Be kind, but also be kind to yourself allow yourself the luxury of asking, “Do I really want to be friends with this person?”Īlso think back to that little girl crying on the steps, and ask, “What did she need?” Then see if you can provide it for yourself before looking for it in all the potential friends you meet.Įvery week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. Be interested in them and responsive, but remember that friendship is not about one person doing all the work, and that almost everyone is insecure about meeting new people. Your child now being at school will have put you back into a place of unhappy memories. (Some of the examples you gave me of how your “friends” behaved in the past were not friendship, and really rather shoddy behaviour.) It’s scary to make yourself vulnerable, and if you do this with the wrong people, or too soon in a friendship, and they don’t give you the affirmation you need, it can strengthen your fears.
![did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever](https://hips.hearstapps.com/hmg-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/images/animal-sex-royalty-free-image-1576606351.jpg)
I wonder how much you test your friendships and whether you do this too soon? You also mentioned that at times you purposely provoke members of your family, forcing them to prove they still love you. “Why didn’t turn the car around,” you ask. There is a line in your original letter about your parents leaving you on the school steps and driving away leaving you crying. And yet you have managed to carve out happiness and success. I know it’s easy to define ourselves according to how others see or treat us, but isn’t that giving them too much power? I wonder how much you test your friendships, and if you do this too soon? That may seem counterintuitive, but in your letter you came across as someone who is self-aware, kind and has rather a lot going for her. I wonder if you think the “real you” is not someone people would like?ĭo you see every new person as a potential friend? This isn’t meant critically, but I think maybe you need to be more discerning, not less. I wonder if this is how you are in real life? Maybe you attract people who aren’t really right for you. Your letter started off bright and breezy – but the more you wrote, the more you let the real you out. I think you’ve developed a coping carapace.
![did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever](https://post.medicalnewstoday.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/1247-femalefriendship_girlsquad_healthbenefits-732x549-thumbnail_0-732x549.jpg)
You told me about being bullied at school, then sent away to boarding school, where you were very unhappy, the sabotaging of your exams, the self harm, the eating disorder. Your longer letter gave me some insight as to what might be the problem. But I’m so scared the same pattern will repeat itself and I’ll mess this up again. This has come to a head because recently I’ve started to get to know some of the parents at my children’s school, who I like, and have taken the first tentative steps towards making friends. I mention this as I hope it indicates I’m not completely flawed in my approach to other people.
![did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever](https://article-imgs.scribdassets.com/638g04fef46w3oy5/images/fileQYE4UZYS.jpg)
![did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever did i mention yet that i have the best friends ever](http://www.wishafriend.com/friendship/uploads/3874-best-friends-sayings.jpg)
I do have a really good relationship with my (kind, gentle and intelligent) husband and with my sister, and I have two good female friends I’ve known for many years (although they live some distance away and I don’t think either of them would consider me their best friend). I’ve learned to manage my disappointment, but I wish I understood what I do wrong. The spark fizzles and the friendship dies. But whatever the reasons, something always seems to go wrong and the pattern repeats: I meet people I hope I could be good friends with – fun, kind, interesting, down to earth people – and we get on for a while, but slowly and surely I feel myself being pushed away. I long for the joys of getting to know people, of laughing and sharing together, or even just casual conversations. But I’ve always struggled with friendship.Įvery time life has changed (new job, change of home) I have a new optimism that this time I’ll get it right. I have a wonderful husband, happy children, good health and a close relationship with my family.